Categories
growth Healing personal Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Anima

Listening to: White Flag by Dido
Photo: jplenio

everything happens for a reason
but what was ours?
possibly pride
definitely lies
from just one side?
I don’t think so.

the rift bought time
to make plans and plot
but all I thought of was getting away
from waking up every day staring at a ceiling
with tears in my eyes that wouldn’t fade

bad mistakes are a part of learning the hard way
that even those closest to you can trade
friendship for animosity
I wanted to cry foul
but someone was crying louder
neutrality had no other choice but to flounder
in the wake of half truths that were also lies

missing pieces brought to light
only used as fuel for the fight
and I knew better than to raise a white flag
to someone who couldn’t help but be torn
and never should have been put in that position
in the first place

I lost the war and by association you
and for some right reasons too
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t miss you


Garnet

Categories
personal Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Animus

Photo credit: Joao Cabral

Listening to: Every Time I Hear That Song by Brandi Carlile

Do I miss you?

maybe
the things we laughed at
and cried about
the long talks on the couch
or walks around the block
such a deep kind of grace
when we called names
with a smile on each face
it was bigger than us
two souls carrying pain
no different than the rest
and I want you to know
I haven’t been the same since

I wonder
how much you’ve changed
leaving that painful trace
in every piece of shared space
was unfair
words to say could never find my throat
even if I had made things right
not for fear of choking
but of knowing it wouldn’t have changed anything

I helped you heal at one point
when you wanted so bad to feel again
when you had waited so long to see that spark
it ended up being so bright it overshadowed truth

of all I wanted
was the same place I stood before
it was never more for me
even though it could have looked that way
from one side
but never mine
from beginning to the last day
you called me friend


Garnet

Categories
Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Jack Frost

Jack Frost
came to me
specks of glitter
refracting on the air
in the light wind
lifting my hair
cast against deep shadows
and all around me

floss materializing
only to disappear effortlessly
the grace of silently living
devoted to mystery and being unaware
of the worth it holds
while knowing the beauty
in what it brings to the season
the joy of dreaming of this wonderland
a trick of the light is in truth
just the benefit of darkness
healing from the beauty
in the pain of watching it disappear


Garnet

Categories
family growth love personal Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Nest

this picture
holds too many
words to count
an incredible amount
of emotion
nowhere to start
maybe I could say
the egg shells
are easily my heart
and in that way
this heart rests
on what was
and what will be
so much more
than last night’s
pasta and
tomorrow’s cilantro
nested in silicone
they are
little reminders
telling me
I am home


Garnet

Categories
growth Healing personal Poetry Uncategorized

It Never Felt Good

it never felt good
living in the shadow
always being followed
by what I wished
I could be
always too close
for comfort
and in the end game
the comparisons
were the same

a wonderful lesson
to learn
in a moment
when not one
but two candles
ceased to burn
finding it hard
not to
wax semantics
as I turned away from
a game with no rules
played by unknowing fools
who have no idea
what a wolf is capable of
when teeth find soft wool
and it isn’t his own

dangerous all the same
I suppose I could
take no more than a percent
of the blame
as always
a beating heart
pinned to my sleeve
bleeding
from a past
that made me believe
this is what real love could be
let it invade
my peace of mind
and attracting
beasts that bear
a striking resemblance
to what my brain
has always seemed to
recognize as friend
instead of fiend

resolving means
taking my time
to do what’s best
permanently
continuing
one foot
in front of the other
covering miles
over miles covered
while tying my own laces
instead of relying on others
to create double knots
I can’t be undone
without burning bridges
faces are capable of
being unkind
especially mine

ashes to ashes
finding myself
means burying time
with nothing but
memories left behind
in my wake
acknowledging feelings
a little easier
breathing each day
seeing clearly
real from fake


Garnet

Categories
Depression/Anxiety growth personal Poetry Uncategorized

Free as a bird, far away.

I can’t
remember a time
when I didn’t feel
guilty
for being
this happy
for being this
free
now I know
history
has no other place
but the past

thinking back
on what was
and what wasn’t
what could have been
versus what
was given
like scenes
on a screen
only I can see
I’m trying hard
to let it be

it just wasn’t me
agreeing
to appease
knowing it was
the only way
to please
an unruly routine
of mental fees
and feeling
red flags
stabbing
into me
unfairly
firm
claiming
a long term
fate
deep down
I knew I didn’t
want

I let curbs
trip me
into thinking
it was okay
to let someone else
tell you how to walk
knowing
the street
was big enough
for more
than one
traveller
to walk either way
while helping
pave towards a future
impossible to undo
so I came undone
and did the impossible
instead of walking
I chose to run


Garnet

Categories
Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Leftover Sand

like
leftover sand
after going to the beach;
everywhere

a favorite shirt
that you would wear
on nights, staying up late
a knick-knack
he gave you
that one year
for your birthday
the bed
you sleep in
alone now
the pain
you can never anticipate

so much empty space
waiting to be filled
slipping through
your hands
and falling
into that
deep
part of you
the one you can’t
help but feel

waves crashing
urging each grain
to come ashore
just once more
until you feel
solid ground again


Garnet

Categories
Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Living Outside of the Box

Listening to: Questions by Camilla Cabello
Photo credit: Unknown

I was
put in a box
filled
with mazes
made of
ultimatums
and one way
streets.

I found you
in a haze
like a mouse
finding its cheese,
seeing it clearly.
But just as
I approached the truth
my box
collapsed.

I was so
desperate
for you
to be right
at the expense of being wrong.
In your eyes
I always spoke too loud,
too plainly.
I am afraid
what you saw
is quickly fading
I am not
what you wanted
and never will be.

I understand
more than just time
is what is needed.
I hate myself for
every time
I begged
or pleaded,
watching as you proceeded
to take everything you needed
with no effort at all.
Holding out your hand
as I gave my heart freely
and took every fall.


Garnet

Categories
Poetry Uncategorized Writing

Autumn Leaves

fallen autumn leaves
you’re mine to keep forever
precious memories


Garnet

Categories
Depression/Anxiety personal Uncategorized Writing

Some People Like That Hurt

Listening to: crash by EDEN -or- Learn to Let Go by Kesha

I’m going around in circles
connecting dots and reminiscing
thoughts forsake my strength
to put it away and make the most
of every moment
because life
is counting
down

running across broken glass
feeling numbness that doesn’t pass quickly
grasping at memories that
aren’t that great
I’m glad to say I am free
but am I really?

turning around
to stare my fears in the face
saying go away
or even it’s okay
trying to breathe
and if need be
say help me

I am complete
even if my mind is lying
here I am on
the courtroom floor trying
to make my case
the jury intent on hiding
because finding the truth
means letting the darkness erase
the light I’ve worked hard to create
with every day of fighting and
I will be okay


Garnet